It's been a while

Greetings. It's been 365 days since I last posted on my blog.

Without sounding incredibly cheesy (which I always do), it has been a whirlwind of a year... and I think that's why it has taken me so long to publish something. 

I just didn't really know where to start. And yes I am fully aware that my online ramblings were not missed.

If this whole post comes off as a moan, then I apologise, as that's not what it is.

My intention was to write down my feelings as I would never say them out loud unless I had a gin and tonic in my hand.

I guess this is an attempt to pick out what I have not achieved in 2018 and understand what I can do in 2019 to make sure that I do. 

My last blog post honed in on my mental development and the process and journey that I was on and what I wanted to achieve in 2018. 

To put rephrase this I tweeted this in 2017...

... and failed, so tried to put it in practice in 2018 and use it as a template to think about what have I actually done this year. (spoiler - I have somehow managed to do a lot and nothing at the same time... weird)

I think I cried more tears this year than I have in my whole entire life, including when I was a wee baba. 

It would make sense now to talk about how my mental development and journey is. (Two cringy words, I know and hate but can't think of any words that are any better lol) 

I am in the best place I have been in a long time. In 2016 I was diagnosed with depression. I am in a significantly better place, but still overthinking everything, which isn’t great but looking at how much happier I am as a whole I really am in a super place. 

That being said, 2018 did include tears, tantrums, and counselling. 

I’m kind of struggling with my creativity at the moment and stuck on what to devote my time to outside of work. I don’t really know how to get my creative juices flowing and feel like I’m still adjusting to this new routine of being able to come to my daily meetings at work with fresh ideas.

As someone who works in the creative industry, I was told on my first day that ideas are the equivalent of currency in the workplace. Currently, I have hardly any ideas, so figuratively I am broke lol.

At uni, I was involved in several things and my passion for human rights hasn’t wavered.

I'm just finding it hard to devote some time to this as I am busy, but a lot of my creative ideas stem from improving and discussing people's human rights so really I should give more time to this.

I then feel bad about this because how can I be too busy for human rights especially and it is my creative inspiration. It’s an argument I have in my head quite often. But basically, I just need to get on with things. 

For some, I guess this could be seen as ridiculous, but improving people's human rights is my motivation behind my career path so to me it is quite a large factor I guess.

Speaking about careers, I was lucky enough to land my dream job. I have learned so much these last few months, but I still feel slightly unsettled and a bit inadequate. 

Working in London, there are plenty of opportunities... but am I seizing them? Absolutely not.

London is one of my favourite cities, but I find working in the capital intense. It is so fast paced and there is so much hustle and bustle I literally wanna explode some days.

I wake up at 5am and sometimes get home at 8pm because of train cancellations but I am fortunate enough to have my dream job so this definitely outweighs rubbish Thameslink train service.

Since I have started work, my family and friends are over the moon for me, and so am I, I just have this horrible feeling that I’m not reaching my full ability. The voice of self-doubt I have in my head is actually screaming ‘do more!’ 

But I am my own worst enemy and I am never satisfied with my work.

I can always find faults and holes and always focus on those rather than the bigger picture. Something I definitely need to work on in 2019.

I have to remind myself that I am proud of the ideas that I have suggested that have materialised. I am trying my best, and that’s all that I can do. I just need to be a bit more positive and stop tearing myself down.

The other day someone said to me in passing 'I wish I was as confident as you' and I laughed because I am really not.

I guess I come across that way because I laugh a lot and I am quite outgoing, but I am such an anxious person and I always worry and doubt my abilities to do anything really.

Next year I aim to be more positive, but I don't what will happen. I guess I will just have to wait and see. I am forever grateful for all the people who have been loving, kind and patient with me this year.

I also know that several people feel this way in the workplace, which is reassuring, but, I feel super inadequate at times as I am surrounded by people who have achieved incredible things.

In most meetings, I am the youngest person there and I have literally never studied journalism before unlike some people that I work with. I have learned to understand that it's not something you need study to be alright at.

 I worked in retail for several years and have been able to develop my people skills through that I guess, and it has helped.

That being said I am extremely happy for my colleagues who are doing well and have achieved large milestones in their journalism career.

I haven't reached those milestones yet, but in my eyes, I thrived in a different way this summer and achieved something I never thought was possible. I graduated. 

Graduation was honestly the best day of my life, and if you have been an OG reader of my infrequent blog posts, you were probably just as surprised as me that I actually somehow overcame the dark Shakespeare Abyss and made it to that day. (Well just about made it, as I was almost late)

To some, I may not have achieved a lot in my journalism career or much this year, and from this post... I guess you could ask, what have you actually accomplished this year Kes, the ability to ramble and look for faults yourself? Yes, but I did 'kick ass' as I graduated and I did somewhat 'heal' as I accepted the past and recognise what I need to do myself to progress next year. 

Evidently, I have some mental hurdles to overcome. But this year I am excited and not fearful. I will never forget this year. I laughed, cried, campaigned, graduated, travelled and got my dream job.

I made some incredible memories with my friends and family, and along the way, I found a special human and shared some incredible memories with the most amazing friends halfway across the world in Asia and St. Kitts this summer.

This time I am ready to accept what 2019 throws at me... I hope for starters it’s a positive mental attitude and less of the miserable wench thing that I clearly have going on.

I hope next year is beautiful for us all, that we self loathe, self doubt and self deprecate less and treat ourselves kinder and quite literally shower ourselves with love. We deserve it xx